It's interesting that it takes so long to do very normal things. For example, calling my parents. That's easily something I should have done Saturday morning. Writing this post, took me 3 days.
Today, Brian goes back to work. Today is my first full day back at home with the two boys (wonder what we'll do?).
It's nice being home. It's REALLY nice having clean clothes.
What's interesting to me is that at no time on our trip did I feel like "ugh, when do we go home?" Even the day that we left, I felt like I was just rolling along with the schedule. No feelings of exhaustion. Amazing.
The other thing that has been brewing inside of me is this feeling that I didn't do enough. I fear the parable of the servants and the talents -- did I bury my coin? I've felt that God has responded with "oh, is it all about you then?" The truth is, what I think I've done is on a totally different economy than what God sees that I've done. I've struggled with wanting to have something to show for my work when what the Lord wants is my heart, not my hands. He wants my availablity, my willingness, my surrender, not my task list.
One of the things Erika, Beam's director, said is that we may never understand how much the work Brian did means to them, and how valuable it is to the center (Brian worked on setting up their computer lab, installed software, ran virus scanners, etc). My mom reminded me that it was my initiative to even go to South Africa and that alone is obedience to God's calling.
I'm also excited to see how this trip will change my boys' lives. It may be in small ways that only show up here and again, or it may change their lives in big ways -- establishing a heart for overseas missions. Seeing their own lives differently. An understanding that the world is a big place and that there is more than what we can see from our zip code.
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I think I understand some of what you're feeling. When we were in Haiti, I kept asking God, "What do You want me to do? What do You want to do with me?" And His big answer was, "Wait." Sometimes we don't get what we expect out of these experiences, but when we keep it all in His hands, we can trust Him for an awesome outcome. Praying you can see His work and purposes for this trip as things unfold in the future.
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